Simpsons Quotes

"Stealing! Bart didn't you learn anything from that guy who gives sermons in church? Captain what's his name? Why do you think we took in all those Police Acadamy movies, for fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except for at that guy who did sound effects...woooo...Now where was I, oh yeah, stay out of my booze." -Homer

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake ID's." -Homer

"I've figured out the boy's punishment [for shoplifting]. First he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second: no eggnog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months." -Homer

Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is." -Homer

"Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and Eskimos!" -Homer

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." -Homer

"God bless those Pagans." -Homer

"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming." -Homer

"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel." -Homer (on the phone)

"That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!" -Homer

"I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!" -Homer

"I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t." -Homer

"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day." -Homer

"Ha ha! Look at this country! ? U R Gay!? Ha ha!" -Homer (looking at Uruguay on the globe).

"What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts." -Homer

"Simpson — Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree....D'oh!" -Homer (singing to the tune of Flintstones theme song)

"Me lose brain? Uh, oh! Ha ha ha! Why I laugh?" -Homer

"Alright brain, you don't like me and i don't like you, so let's just do this thing and I'll go back to killing you with beer." -Homer

"Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick." -Homer

"Lisa, in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!" -Homer

"We're here, we're queer, we don't want anymore bears!" -Homer

Bart: What religion are you?
Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh... Christianity.

Homer on gays: They're embarrassing me. They're embarrassing America. They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!!

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Postal Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?
Homer: I don't know.

"Alcohol: The cause of, and solution to all life's problems." -Homer

"Son, when you participate in sporthing events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get." -Homer

"To be loved, you have to be nice to people, everyday. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat!" -Homer

"A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center." -Homer

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." -Homer

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." -Homer

"Mmmm, free goo." -Homer

"Mmmm, slanty." -Homer (leaning back in his chair)

"Mmmm, forbidden donut." -Homer

"Mmmm... ovulicious." -Homer (on strawberry flavored birth control pills)

"Mmmm...64 slices of American Cheese. 63. 62...." -Homer

Mr. Burns: Oh, quit cogitating Steinmetz and use an open-faced club, the sand wedge!
Homer: Mmmm... open-faced club sandwich.

Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me? (looking up at ceiling).
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling. (Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling).
Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (munch munch munch) mmmm...sacrelicious.

"Why the crap do we have to go to church anyway?" -Bart

"As usual, a knife weilding maniac has shown us the way." -Bart

"It's craptacular!" -Bart

"It'll be like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing! We'll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!" -Bart

"I sure as 'hell' can't say we learned about 'hell' if I don't say the word 'hell', can I?" -Bart

"Part of this D-minus belongs to God." -Bart

"Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing." -Bart

"Man, I wish I was an adult so I could break the rules." -Bart

"All life's answers are on TV." -Bart

"Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ." -Bart

"Oh my God, he is like some sort of...non...giving up...school guy!" -Bart

Bart, listening to walkman in class: Nooo! [class stops, looks at him]
Edna Krabappel: Well, despite Bart's objections, the people of South Africa can now vote in free democratic elections.

"Now if you'll excuse me I have some dust that needs busting." -Marge

"Bart! Stop pestering Satan." -Marge

"You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people." -Marge (to King Homer)

"You know, the courts might not work anymore, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be served." -Marge

"People who live in glass houses should always wear clothes." -Marge

"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head." -Marge

"Wait...that's not how you spell 'dumbening'." -Lisa

"A man who envies our family is a man who needs help." -Lisa

"Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican." -Lisa

"It's just hard not listening to TV, it's spent so much more time raising us than you have." -Lisa

"It's naive to think you can change a person — except maybe that boy who works in the library." -Lisa

"It's not our fault our generation has short attention spans, Dad. We watch an appalling amount of TV." -Lisa

Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

"I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missoura." -Grandpa Simpson

"I got a funny story about that. Well it's not so much funny as it is long." -Grandpa Simpson

"This elevator only goes down to the basement, and someone made an awful mess down there." -Grandpa Simpson (standing in an outhouse)

"People these days, always wantin' somethin' for nothin' [walks into insurance office] I'm old, gimme, gimme, gimme!" -Grandpa Simpson

"I always get the blame around here! Who put slippers in the dishwasher? Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch?" -Grandpa Simpson

"This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a car of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chilli. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless." -Chief Wiggum

"Fat Tony is cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the...uh..what cures cancer?" -Chief Wiggum

"Yeah sure Pops, no jury in the world is going to convict a baby....maybe Texas." -Chief Wiggum

"Yeah right lady. An elephant ran through your front yard. Ok sure Mister, an elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Yeah right buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. And I'm Edward G. Robinson." -Chief Wiggum

"I noticed your tail light was blinking when you made that left turn." -Chief Wiggum

"Uhhhhh, I could have pulled a better cartoon out of my a-ah-ah-ah Hah! Hah! Hey, hey Kids!" -Krusty

"TONIGHT I'M GOING TO SUCK!.............your blood." -Krusty

"Aaaaaagh! I almost swallowed some of the juice!" -Krusty (while filming the Krusty Burger commercial)

Krusty: I will personally spit into every fiftieth burger.
Homer: I like those odds!

"Now for my favorite part of the show....What does that say? Talk to the audience! Ugghhh, this is always death..." -Krusty

Mrs. Lovejoy: Do you think they should be talking about s-e-x in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n?
Krusty: Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down years ago!

"Tell you what. We come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke." -Mr. Burns

"It can't be that difficult to figure out which pedal is the velocitator and which is the decceleratrix." -Mr. Burns (attempting to drive)

"Oh, 'meltdown' is one of those annoying buzzwords, Kent. I prefer to call it an 'unrequested fission surplus.'"-Mr. Burns

"Ironic, isn't it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. Yet if I were to have them killed, I'd be the one sent to jail! That's democracy for you." -Mr. Burns

"Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun." -Mr. Burns

"Damn it Smithers! This is brain surgery, not rocket science! Now hand me that ice cream scoop!" -Mr. Burns

"Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as a do-do." -Mr. Burns

"You're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates." -Mr. Burns

"So, another Friday is upon us, what you be doing, Smithers? Something gay, no doubt!" -Mr. Burns

Mr. Burns: I guess I have no choice but to kiss my sorry butt good-bye.
Smithers: Allow me, sir.

"What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?" -Smithers

Mr. Burns: Smithers, dogs are idiots. How would you like it if I started slobbering all over your face and sniffing your crotch?
Smithers: If you did it sir?

Smithers: I don't think women and seamen mix, sir.
Burns: Yes, we know what you think.

"If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, its your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say, cheating is the gift Man gives himself." -Mr. Burns

Woman: This plant violates every labor law in the book. We found a missing Brazilian soccer team working in your reactor core!
Mr Burns: That plane crashed on my property.

"Hi! I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such Driver's Ed. films as 'Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass' and 'The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot.'"-Troy McClure

"Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as 'Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly' and 'Here Comes the Metric System!'"-Troy McClure

"Hi! I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as 'Designated Drivers: The Life-Saving Nerds' and 'Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness'." -Troy McClure

"Hi! I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as 'Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun!' and 'Firecrackers: The Silent Killer'." -Troy McClure

"Hi! I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as 'Earwigs: Ewwww' and 'Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory'." -Troy McClure

"Don't kid yourself Jimmy, if a cow ever got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you care about." -Troy McClure

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke your self thin' or 'Get confidence stupid.'"-Troy McClure

"Me fail english? That's unpossible!" -Ralph Wiggum

"My cat's breath smells like cat food." -Ralph Wiggum

"Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!" -Ralph Wiggum

"I think I wet my bed." -Ralph Wiggum (washing up in the Simpson's front yard after the Springfield dam burst)

"Oooh. I think I ate too much plastic candy." -Ralph Wiggum

"Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad." -Ralph Wiggum

"Ummm... Ms. Hoover? My worm crawled in my mouth and then I ate it... can I have another?" -Ralph Wiggum

"I ate all my caps." -Ralph Wiggum

"Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves." -Principal Skinner

"C'mon kids. Let's go home to our mothers." -Principal Skinner

"Read my thoughts boy, if I find out that you skipped school, your ass is mine! That's right, I think things that I would never say." -Principal Skinner

"I hardly let mother fight for me anymore!" -Principal Skinner

"Order! Order! Do you kids want to be like the real UN? Or do you just want to squabble and waste time?" -Principal Skinner

"Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair." -Principal Skinner

"Ah, Diorama-Rama, my favorite school event next to Hearing Test Thursday." -Principal Skinner

"Silly customer, you cannot hurt a twinkie!" -Apu

"By the 7 arms of Visnu, I swear it. I am not a Hindu." -Apu

"$1.69." -Apu (when asked how much a 29 cent stamp is)

"Hey! Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to...ask you nicely again." -Apu

"If you survive, please come again!" -Apu

"Nickel off on expired baby food." -Apu

"Oh, the searing kiss of hot lead. How I've missed you!" -Apu

"Shiva H. Vishnu!" -Apu

"Heydilly-ho! Welcome to your new home neglect-areenos!." -Ned Flanders

"Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people! I don't drink or dance or swear! I've even kept Kosher just to be on the safe side! I've done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?" -Ned Flanders

"Ooh, I better take down the manger scene! If baby Jesus got loose he could really do some damage!" -Ned Flanders, preparing for hurricane

"Absotively posilutely!" -Ned Flanders

"I warned you...that colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!" -Groundskeeper Willie

"We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy." -Milhouse

"If it's in a book, it must be true!" -Milhouse

"They're not just Pogs... they're Alf Pogs. Remember Alf? He's back... in Pog form." -Milhouse

"Not only am I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know." -Milhouse

"Look out Itchy, he's Irish!" -Milhouse

"Careful, you might give yourself skin failure." -Dr. Nick

"When you were in that coma, did you feel your brain getting damaged?" -Dr. Nick

"The most rewarding part was when he gave me the money!" -Dr. Nick

"Don't worry, you wont't feel a thing.... 'til i shove this down your throat." -Dr. Nick

"The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch..." -Dr. Nick

"Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?" -Dr. Nick

"Eww, blood." -Dr. Nick

"What the hell is that?" -Dr. Nick (just before Homer goes under the gas)

"You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court." -Dr. Nick

"The fake Pope can be recognized by his high top sneakers and extremely foul mouth." -Kent Brockman

"This just in: 'Go to hell!'"-Kent Brockman

"Over the years, a reporter learns many things, and since it doesn't matter anymore, the following people are gay." -Kent Brockman

"From these pictures it is obvious what has happened. Giant alien space ants have taken over the shuttle. I, for one, welcome our new Insect Overlords. And I'd like to remind them, that as a trusted celebrity, I can be useful in rounding up slaves to toil in their underground sugar mines." -Kent Brockman

"Unemployment...it's not just for philosophy majors anymore." -Kent Brockman

"Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night or you could turn to another channel...huh?...do not turn to another channel." -Kent Brockman

"Thousands of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them were important." -Kent Brockman

"Don't worry Frinky old boy, we'll have these babies in the stores while he's still grapling with the pickle matrix." -Professor Frink on hamburger earmuffs

"Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing?" -Professor Frink

"Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, ng-bwui, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... the third dimension." -Professor Frink

"One consolation is that you will feel no pain until sometime tomorrow evening when your heart suddenly explodes." -Dr. Hibbert

"And hillbillies prefer to be called sons of the soil, but it ain't gonna happen!" -Dr. Hibbert

"Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left." -Barney Gumble

"These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?" -Barney Gumble

"Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!" -Barney Gumble

"Uh-Oh, Somebody smells stinky! Whoa, it's me!" -Barney Gumble

"I don't know where you pixies came from but I sure like your pixie drink!" -Barney Gumble

"Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy something." -Barney Gumble

"Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'." -Lionel Hutz

"I move for a bad court thingy." -Lionel Hutz

"I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer." -Lionel Hutz

"Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it." -Lionel Hutz

"Hutz is the name Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water." -Lionel Hutz

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty." -Lionel Hutz

"You people are a bunch of fickle mushheads!" -Mayor Quimby

"Now people, we are far from screwed!" -Mayor Quimby

"Did I, er, uh, hear the sound of a, uh, briefcase opening?" -Mayor Quimby

"The mayor's office is not for sale! ...Uh, can we edit out the laughter?" -Mayor Quimby

"Vote Quimby!" -Mayor Quimby (from hotel room)

Woman: Are you here for the Coping with Senility class?

Jasper: No! I'm here for Microwave Cookery! No, wait. Coping with Senility.

"You shot who in the what now?" -Jasper

"And now my Woody Allen impression. 'I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.'"-Rainer Wolfcastle

"Hey, that jacket makes you look like a homosexual! — Maybe you are all homosexuals!" -Rainer Wolfcastle

Man: How do you sleep at night?
Rainier Wolfcastle: On top of a big pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

Patty: "On some days we don't let the line move at all."
Selma: "Yeah, we call those 'weekdays'."

"Ooooooh cheeseburgers and loneliness are a deadly mix." -Comic book Store Guy

"Now make like my pants... and split!" -Comic book Store Guy

"No children have ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it." -Sideshow Bob

"ATTEMPTED murder, what is that!? Do they give a Nobel Prize for ATTEMPTED chemistry? Well, do they?!" -Sideshow Bob

"Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis, Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa, towards whom I am fairly indifferent." -Sideshow Bob

"You can't handle the truth! No truth handler you! I deride your truth handling ability!" -Sideshow Bob

"How ironic. My crusade against television has come to an end so formulaic it could've spewed from the Powerbook of the laziest Hollywood hack." -Sideshow Bob

"Deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!" -Sideshow Bob

"I'm better than dirt — well, most kind of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I — I can't compete with that stuff." -Moe

"Hey! If you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya." -Moe

"If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt." -Moe

"They think they're so high and mighty, just because they've never been caught driving without pants." -Moe

"Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people suck at everything." -Moe

"You're lucky you happen to be your sister's brother." -Jimbo Jones

"Have you ever thought about another religion Ned? They're basically all the same." -Rev. Lovejoy

"Have you ever read the bible Marge? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom." -Rev. Lovejoy

Superintendant Chalmers: The Nothern Lights? At this time of year, in this part of the country, localized entirely within your kitchen?
Principal Skinner: Yes.
Superintendent Chalmers: May I see it?
Principal Skinner: No.

"You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're kids, because you're stupid!" -Roger Meyers

"If I puked in a fountain pen and sent it to a monkey house, I'd get better scripts!" -Roger Meyers

"What's a murder?" -Fat Tony

Australian Guy: That's not a knife, mate, this a knife!
Bart: That's a spoon!
Australian Guy: I see you've played knifey spooney before.

"I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet." -George Bush

"Stupid babies need the most attention." -Child Welfare Representative

"Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels!" -Sunday School Teacher

"We need some more secret sauce. Put the mayonnaise in the sun." -Manager at Krusty Burger

"Mr. X Makes Headlines" -headline on newspaper

Kang [running for President]: Abortions for all!
Crowd: Booo!
Kang: Very well, Abortions for none!
Crowd: Booo!
Kang: Abortions for some, miniature American flags for the others!
Crowd: Yay!!

Kang: Greetings. I am Kang. Do not be frightened. We mean you no harm.
Marge: You... you speak English.
Kang: I am actually speaking Rigelian. By an astonishing coincidence, both of our languages are exactly the same.

"Listen, my name is already Selma Bouvier Hutz McClure Terwilliger. Thats long enough without Nahasapema...whatever. From now on I'm only getting married for love, and maybe once more for money." -Selma

"You can't silence the truth with beanbags!" -protestors

Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I can't take the test. I have a stomach ache.
Mrs Krabappel: Well, that's a lame excuse for an excuse. Ha!
Bart: Look, if you ignore me and I die, you'll get in a lot of trouble.
Mrs Krabappel: Read page six of the school charter.
Bart: "No teacher shall be held accountable if Bart Simpson dies."
Mrs Krabappel: We're also absolved if Milhouse gets eaten by the school snake.
A Milhouse-shaped lump in the snake: Hey, cool! There's a rabbit in here!

Skinner: Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?
Mrs Krabappel: Well yes, but then I was a very depressed child.

"That's okay. I don't entertain much. Usually it's just soup for one, salad for one, wine for three." -Mrs. Krabappel

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