Random Quotes from Movies/Books/TV

"That's the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things. And this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know that there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse, I know. But it helps me remember. I need to remember. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can't take it, and my heart is just going to cave in." -Ricky, American Beauty

"All conspiracies connect to George Bush one way or another." -Huey Freeman, The Boondocks

"What good is a smart bomb if you have a dumb president?" -Huey Freeman

Abe (arresting Holly): Yes, she told me. And I take this name seriously. I cannot tell a lie.
Jane: That was Washington, shmuck!
Abe: Whatever.
(Boys on the Side)

"I wish I was dead. Well, no I don't, not really. I wish everyone else was dead." -Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes

"I've been thinking about this: I know I'm a little biased, but I think I'm the greatest person that ever lived." -Conan O'Brien

Conan O'Brien: Sir, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
President Bush: Hold on, I got two more years.

"What if I took a crap on your lawn right now? Would that be the mayor's problem, too?...[pause]...I'm gonna need some coffee and a bran muffin." -Samantha Bee, The Daily Show

"Man has no preeminence above a beast-for all is vanity." -Ecclesiastes, 3:19

"Who cares about this stupid election? We all know it doesn't matter who gets elected president of Millard. You think it's going to change anything around here, make one single person happier or smarter or nicer? The only person it matters to is the one who gets elected. The same pathetic charade happens every year, and everyone makes the same pathetic promises just so they can put it on their transcripts to get into college. So vote for me, because I don't even want to go to college, and I don't care, and as president I won't do anything. The only promise I make is that if elected I will immediately dismantle the student government, so that none of us will ever have to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again!" -Tammy Metzler's campaign speech, Election

"Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian... Did I say that out loud?" -Chandler, Friends

Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told a limerick.
Chandler: Phoebe, were these, uh, "funny brownies"?
Phoebe: No, not especially. But you know what? I think they had pot in them.
(Friends)

"Ewwww, Lambchop. How old is that sock?! If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too." -Chandler, Friends

Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about bein' a lesbian.
Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise, they don't let you do it.
(Friends)

"Couldn't we just lose our virginities again? Because I think mine is starting to grow back." -Chandler, Friends

Joey: Okay, heads will be ducks because...ducks have heads!
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?!
(Friends)

Chandler: Condoms?
Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world.
Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
(Friends)

"There is a special providence in the fall of a sparrow." -Hamlet, 5:2:157

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." -Hamlet, 1:5:166

Kurt's Dad: My son is a homosexual and I love him! I love my dead gay son!
JD: How do you think he'd react to a son that had a limp wrist with a pulse?
(Heathers)

"No, actually I'm Canadian. That's like American but without a gun." -Kids in the Hall

"Yes, Larry. He's a prick. You hired him so you wouldn't have to be a prick. That's the trouble with Hollywood: Everyone's got two pricks and three assholes. It's a genitalia horn of plenty." -Arthur, The Larry Sanders Show

"Jen, would you stop making out with the bus boy until I finish breaking up with you?" -Frank, "Liberty Meadows"

"Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future." -Plan 9 From Outer Space

"If you die first, I am definitely going to eat you." -F. W. Calhoun, Ravenous

"One fire burns out another's burning,
One pain is lessen'd by another's anguish." -Benvolio, Romeo and Juliet. 1:2:46

"In-fucking-credible." -Cliff Spab, S.F.W.

"We spent countless hours drinking Bullseye and getting fucked up on cheap pot." -Cliff Spab

"I'd like to live forever, but only for a little while." -Cliff Spab

"The cover story of New York Magazine this week is Baby Panic. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - Where Are The Babies? Why Haven't You Had A Baby? And, For God's Sake Have A Baby. Thanks Time Magazine, this is just what I need: another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling up. According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right — I definitely should've had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago, over a biker bar, pulling down a cool 12 grand a year. That woulda worked out great." -Tina Fey, SNL

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